Monday, July 17, 2006
Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
What's life?
What's the use when you're killing inside.
Church was horrid.
Sleeping during sermon.
Eating kINDER BURNEO while half telling Clare about my screwed-up life.
But mostly sleeping.
My face was as black as the gloomy sky
:"Woah.. Why your face look like you wanna kill someone?!?"
As much as I tired my best to put on a front, the ugliness from within was spilling out. Spilling out slowly but surely.
Lunch was horrid or even worst.
Was in no mood in having the usual family lunch much less entertaining Owen and his bro. Though his bro was nice (in holding the door for me and waiting till everyone had passed before he entered the restaurant. Nice? yess), Owen on the other hand, was clearly stepping on the very last of my nerves. Familiarity breeds contempt.
:"Bee(debbie).. Your fish."
*ignores.
Sis takes the fish, puts it on my plate.
The table was filled with laughter and chatter. I chose to sit in my corner. To sulk. To reflect. To show them i hated them.
Some things just can't be forgiven THIS easily especially forgiven by me. I don't let things go so easily. Never.
Adults seem to think we are capable to forgive and forget just about everything and anything.
If the circumstances were different, maybe it could have been possible. BUT this was different.
To start with you had be guilty for hitting me in the lip. Because firstly, I didn't really deserve it, considering the fact that it was simply over not washing the rice well but clearly I did wash the rice properly. Petty? Duh-errr!
Secondly, I had to lie to the girls that I got myself hit during PE when in actual fact PE never existed in my timetable.
I did that because I didn't want you to look bad. You were never bad since I knew very well that all you do is because you cared for me and you meant well but there's a limit to how much you should protect and shield me.
Now is the time for you to let me go but it has always been too early for you.
We were never a dysfunctional family. It's only cos of your overly-protective nature which has bridged this gap between us and because of that you have officially destroyed my life. My privacy was never taken into consideration. And I've realised that there's no point in talking to you about it either cos your ears were never open or you never had the intentions to hear me out.
How am I ever gonna forgive you or respect you for that matter? You have never respected me in the first place. It works both ways.
Start of cold war: 6 July 2006
End: indefinite
I hope you know that I hate you so and that you have made me THIS miserable.
Cos you're the one that led me here, so take me.