Tuesday, September 11, 2007
My sister’s call wasn’t a mistake. I knew what was coming and I let it be because I wanted you to know the truth. The truth of what I had done. There was no way for me to tell you neither am I going to explain why I did what I did or justify those actions. I know I’m wrong and I know I brought this all upon myself. No one is to be blamed. I guess knowing my mistakes now aren’t going to change anything because this time it is for real, for forever.
I chose to sit at the spot we did by the river over having lunch with my colleagues. I sat under my umbrella reliving the silly moment we spent hiding from the heavy rain while everyone franticly ran away in search of shelter. Each time looking towards the empty spot on my right, wishing you were there. Flashbacks of the times we had crossed my mind….
The first day you came down to meet me for lunch, I brought you to eat the beef noodles that you’ve grown to love.
Another time, I brought you down the basement of Chervon House to eat at the crowded Korean place. I know you loved their Bulgogi.
Almost everyday after that, you came down just to have lunch with me. Each time, I left earlier and returned later to office. Most of the time, we just sat at the spot in front of the river to bask and spend time talking about everything and anything.
We shopped for our “cheap” sushi and snacks at Carrefour. I t was for dinner during the NDP full dress rehearsal at the floating platform. We were hoping to see fireworks but instead we found amusement in the silly “Seaweed” signs that was held on stage. You stepped on the little girl’s foot and switched seats with me because she wouldn’t stop annoying me. That night at Billy Bomber’s, I remembered you shaped your fingers and blew me a heart bubble across the table.
We ate your first Ramly Burger together. It was a Wednesday. We ate it another time on a Sunday.
The day you rushed down after school (just so we got to meet at least once a week.), we had dinner at Dome. It was a Thursday. Then we strolled along the river towards Esplanade then to Marine Parade just so you could try their Mango Kakigori. You were so silly not to know the “sauce” was actually mango syrup.
You wore your green shirt for me because you knew I liked it and I was there when you bought it. We had our Thai Express dinner. It was your first time eating their Red Bean dessert. I know you love. It was a Thursday.
We ate my first Swordfish collarbone together. You rushed to town right after your tkd camp so we could meet. It was a Saturday.
“Babe, I think you are the one (too). You’re the one that I want to marry. I know it’s you.” *Brings my hand towards your lips.
My heart aches when I remind myself of you.
When I’m home, I’m too drained to do anything much less have dinner. At seven, I just go to bed. Maybe it is my way of letting my stomach feel the pain while taking the pain away from my heart.
There is nothing I can do that will make them go away. I am thinking about her. I am thinking about her even though I don't want to think about her. I am thinking about her. I am thinking about her because I can't forget her, because I continue to look back at her. She is the only one. I can't let go of what once was and what will never be again. I can't face the fact that she is gone gone gone, I can't face the fact that it was me who drove her away. I was with her. I loved her. I drove her away. I am thinking about her even though I don't want to think about her.
Give me a second chance.
Cos you're the one that led me here, so take me.